Dear Darla,

Tinder is fucking awesome.  Straight up, my favorite app.  I hear a lot of people say “ew” and snub their noses.  And others who complain that no one wants to talk.  Those people are playing it wrong.  Let me say that again, YOU’RE PLAYING IT WRONG.

I LOVE Tinder.  It’s the perfect platform to be completely ridiculous and say whatever you want.  Don’t believe me?  Well I took screen shots to prove it.

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I’m actually quite shocked at how many men I find wife-hunting on the app.  What are they doing?  Trying to bargain shop??   Let’s just put this into perspective for a second.  If you google “Tinder,” you will find the Urban Dictionary describing it as the McDonald’s of Online Dating.  (How awesome is THAT description?)  I get that there are more than enough fuckboys doing the whole drive-through scenario for a sexual encounter.  But…..marriage material?



Let’s take a step back and reflect on the McDonald’s descriptor.  I like to picture that a dollar menu for Tinder would something like this:



I do not happen to be on this menu, nor do I plan to ever be.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t find endless entertainment with these fools.  So let me give you some pointers on how to maximize your own Tinder experience without subjecting yourself to the drive-thru.  Unless of course that’s your thing.  No judgement. Rock on.

  1. Make your profile picture interesting, flattering, clear and solo.  If you are boring, she swipes left.  If you are rocking a double chin, a shot up the nose, beer gut and a joint behind your ear, she’s swiping left.  If she can’t see you…. uh yea, she’s swiping left.  And be sure not to have a bunch of your hot friends, or some random chick, OR YOUR MOM in your profile picture.  I guarantee that if more than one man is in the photo, she will be thinking “I hope its the one on the right.  It better be the one on the right. DAMNIT, it’s the one on the left.”  And then she swipes left.
  2. Put something semi-intelligent in your bio.  “Just ask” is lazy and retarded.  What the fuck do you expect her to ask you?  Seriously?  You have given her nothing.  Put a little bit of effort into it for fuck’s sake.
  3. Don’t take this shit seriously.  How can you take it personally when she doesn’t respond, if she doesn’t even know you?!  Maybe, unlike you, she’s got a real job and can’t respond right away.  Maybe she’s met a shit-kickin’ dude and spending her time with him for the weekend.  Maybe life hit her with something rough and she just needs a fucking break.  Quit being babies about it.  Instead, be clever and funny. Roll with it and move on.
  4. Don’t be a douchebag.  Just…. don’t.


tinder-9The worst part about this chick is that she thought SHE was the one cracking the jokes. 

I’ve also discovered that different cities have different trends in the type of people who utilize Tinder.  It’s becoming my own little social experiment.  For example, Salt Lake City, Utah has the most unrealistically handsome men I think I’ve ever seen.  It’s freaky.  Within a span of 10 minutes, I had matched with 23 men.  All of which were waaaaay too good-looking to be true.  Another odd characteristics about SLC’s profiles were the fact that all of the bios listed either LDS or non-LDS in the first line.  So I kind of suspect that perhaps the LDS Church has some Stepford-Wife type of machine in its basement that genetically alters its young men in order to lure unsuspecting women into the cult.  You can never have too many wives at the polygamy compound from what I understand.

I need to figure out a life-line so that I can jump into that cesspool and check it out.  But now that I think about it, I may not need a life-line.  Shit, those assholes would probably be more than willing to throw my rotten ass right back to Nevada without hesitation.

Maybe on the next long holiday I’ll go play Tinder Salt Lake City style.




There are so many avenues that I can continue down on the subject of Tinder.  But for now, my last thought is dedicated to the perverts that you will inevitably come across.  Don’t be scared and run from them.  Don’t even block them right away.  They happen to the be most fun to fuck with.  (Proverbially speaking).  Personally, I like to take it as a challenge. Who can out-gross the other?  Who can make the other unmatch first. Just for the record, I’ve only lost once.  But I’ll save those tips for another night.