Dear Darla,

I’m just going to assume you’re a white girl based off of your name, because that’s clearly logical. And since that’s the case, I believe you will appreciate my PSA.  

You have to agree with me that there are way too many painful, idiotic memes hashtagged: whitegirlproblems. But have you noticed that no one ever offers solutions to these so-called problems?  

Being the responsible adult and contributing member of society that I am, I put forth a proven fix to what could be deemed as one of the more serious #whitegirlproblems: white girl ass.

White Girl Ass Defined: a flat, pancake shaped heinie devoid of flattering bounce and the covetable POP; a derriere that lacks squeezability and spankability; attributed primarily to white girls.  

Luckily, this travesty is not only preventable, but also correctable. Thank god, Darla, that you are not a Crossfitter or a Powerlifter, because then I would have to warn you to prepare yourself for pissy-ness. Cuz you ain’t gonna like this.  


There, I said it. And it’s the honest to god, mother fucking truth. Don’t believe me?

Exhibit A:

Years of Crossfit gave me a 200lb back squat and killer legs. But I don’t see any apple bottom shaped booteus maximus…….

What’s that Darla? Your mind is blown?? Muahahaha….

Then check out Exhibit B:

Heavy weighted hip thrusters, butt-loads (haha get it?) of sweet potatoes and the magic, secret ingredient: TEARS. Like for real, the salty kind that leak from your agonizing face caused by that crazy-ass (haha, get it?) keister cramp.  

BAM, your money maker will grow like a god damn chia pet.  #whitegirlproblemsolved 

Don’t be such a fucking baby, Darla. The pain only lasts for a few seconds, and then the endorphins kick in, and you’re retarded as all hell. In two months you’ll be like me, narcissistic, wearing Daisy Dukes and getting tattoos. 

You’re welcome.

I’ll be sure to keep you up-to-date, Darla, with any other epiphanies. God forbid that the world suffer from #whitegirlproblems.