Dear Darla,

Last month I went out with a giant. Let’s just call him Spartacus. He swore he was only 6’4 but I’m pretty sure he was closer to 8’2. He also happened to be super fit. Like super V shaped fit. I hadn’t realized until then that I’d never dated a guy with both the height and the fitness at such an extreme end of the spectrum. As it turns out, this combo is a serious fucking health hazard!  

Over the course of a few weeks, Sparky and I went to a handful of crowded events, the movie theatre and the grocery store. At each and every location we visited, I noticed nearby people narrowly escaping a classic clothes-lining to the face. A few looked up from their phones just in time to avoid being crushed, and I think one kid just didn’t make it out alive at all.  

Holy Destructor, Venkman! Spartacus was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!  

But Spartacus was a way leaner version. And way tanner. And he had Georges St. Pierre’s 76” reach, meaning no man, woman or child within a six foot radius was safe. Find yourself in his path and kiss your carcass goodbye.  

I’ll be honest; at first I was a little appalled with the thought that Sparky was dangerously self-unaware and oblivious to his surroundings. However, when I tried to save a skinny woman from the terrible fate of being flung against the opposing wall, he said, “Oh don’t worry. I saw her walk up. I won’t knock her down.”  

……Wait, now I’m confused….. How did he see HER but didn’t see the old man he nearly fell on top of fifteen minutes earlier……?

Then it hit me.

Like a semi-truck.

Spartacus has blind spots.  Totally makes sense, right?  

If not, here’s a diagram. I drew it. Just now. As a visual reference. In case you want to keep a copy in your pocket.

Obviously, not all tall guys have blind spots. I’ve dated tall men. I LOVE tall men. And it bothered me that I couldn’t recall witnessing this paradigm. But I’m smart and naturally I figured it out.

The really tall guys I’ve dated in the past were also skinny guys. Without that extra, solid muscle mass, the impact of bumping into one of them produced the Gumby Effect. Meaning, no one really got hurt.

Today’s take-away is this: If you get side swiped at the grocery store, it’s probably your fault. If you get clothes-lined at the Rib Cook-Off, it’s probably your fault. If you don’t give those trucks room for wide right turns and your shit gets torn up….. mehhhhh, it’s probably your fault.  

Oh…don’t even bother with the excuses, because we all know they’re lies.  

YOU didn’t see HIM? — pshhhh malarkey! He can’t sneak up on you like the fucking Green Goblin Semi from that 80’s movie, Maximum Overdrive.   

(Only three people on the planet will get that joke, so trust me when I say that shit is FUCKING HYSTERICAL.)